Posted by: Angela | November 17, 2006

Are we there yet?

It has been a week for me. Needless to say, not a week that I joyously posted every night about how awesome life is here in Montana. Interesting note here, one of the marketing slogans for NW Montana is “The Last Best Place.” My thoughts on that some other time.

I have discovered after nearly four years of not working outside the “home” for money, I don’t really like it. I thought work would be great for me. But lately, I just feel like it is just one more thing that keeps me from doing what I really like doing. The irony of this is my other thing that keeps me having fun is money or the lack of money. Clearly, I want it both ways.

This is the worst I have felt since we moved here. I think it is just the bottom of my usual cycle of emotions, but when combined with some other issues, it looks pretty bad. Bad enough that last night, LHM said, do you need to have your medications checked? Maybe, but then I would have to go through the whole explanation of what drugs have worked when and what works now. My explanation of all this is it’s November, I am not going home again for Thanksgiving, I miss my sister, I now live in a place that feels even further away from everyone.

The emotions of disappoint get me every time. After awhile, one would think that I would get use to it. But a year ago when I said okay let’s move to Montana, I didn’t realize I was going be sacrificing everything. I knew I was sacrificing friends and weekends. I want to get away from dealing with the internal church issues in the Episcopal church. But I didn’t know that a year later, I would have no hope of having a house again. That everyone else’s life occurs on the weekends and I have to go by myself. I in no way was prepared for how hard it would be to have church go from the thing we always did together to being for me only. I thought for sure, I could comfort myself with the thought that my sister didn’t live near family either. Alas, she now lives two blocks from mom and dad (that is a little too close for my comfort). I knew I am lousy at staying in contact with friends, I wasn’t prepared for how I would feel when I realized that everyone’s life went on and I felt like my own life had ground to a halt.

So I drive and cry, I rage about things I have no power to change and I hope that someday will come.

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Responses

  1. I’ve had similar cries and rages recently. Dreams and hopes that I’d put to rest were stirred up (teased?) and then jerked out from under me, leaving an ache where peace had been . . . I’m not brave enough to post these times on my site, though. Thank you for expressing.

    I ask “why” a lot lately . . . but today, I’m thinking someday WILL come.

  2. Hi there mother,

    Look, I was quite moved by reading your post. I’m sorry to hear it.

    Here’s a suggestion, for what it’s worth. Think about the pioneers who had to endure life where you now are. In many ways, I’d guess, not a lot has changed. But then you could research their lives, historical societies, libraries, etc. Document what it was like to live where you are in the past and how other folks coped with the bitter winters, remoteness and other aspects of their lives.

    I’m sure you’d find a rich history of people to document, upon which you could reflect and relate to your life today. It might even turn into a book, a series of vignettes, who knows?

    Could be fun, if you like that sort of thing.

    Anyway, all the best to you.

    I, BTW, live in a small country town in Australia. I understand about isolation. Thank goodness for the Internet.

  3. Hi Mommy…
    Though I do not live that far geographically from my family, I hardly ever see them. Day to day events and baby’s schedule just seems to get in the way. I mean, I have to work VERY hard just to get out in the daytime, in between my son’s poopie and nap time.

    I know, my things seem real small compared to yours; but I do remember a time that I was isolated from my whole family and forbidden to even call anyone. This is a long story, not yet posted to my blog; but maybe I’ll write about it. The long and short of it is that my first marriage was to a man who was very controlling and had gotten into his head that my family didn’t like him, though it was not true. I felt powerless because he intimidated me into cutting all ties to family and friends, too. One by one, he “blacklisted” them and threatened me with, I forget what, if I even called. He had a very volitile temper and I was, well, afraid of what he would do. Though he never did physically hit me, he very definitely abused me mentally and emotionally.

    Anyway, I know these times must be horrible for you. What comes to mind is to just keep in touch in any way that you can. Little surprises in the mail? I don’t know what your financial situation is, but I know that I love sending and getting little packages in the mail. You could even send little notes. I love sending stuff that is symbolic and really means something to both, myself and the other person. How about some kind of round robin where both of you can work on a craft project together by your own unique contributions?

    Just an idea….

  4. Wow, thanks y’all for being so kind in your comments and with your suggestions. I am amazed and it really makes you feel so much better that someone you haven’t ever laid eyes on would want to help you with such good ideas.


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